Coming Home to Yourself
(plus a chat with Carla H. Hayden about the link between identity + intimacy)
I didn’t think much about who I was until I got to college. In junior high and high school, I invested the bulk of my mental and emotional energy into becoming the person I thought others wanted me to be, wrapping performance and good behavior around my identity. Achievement is an easy anesthetic. And I did not often pause to consider who I was beneath the ache of trying to fit in.
Midway through my freshman year at a Midwestern Christian university, I spiraled into depression and acute anxiety. I tried to hide my panicked heart behind a smile, but sooner or later, my inability to get out of bed and swirl of ruminating thoughts weakened both my ability and desire to hide behind a shiny exterior. The person I had worked so hard to become was crumbling, and I feared:
Would any part of me be left behind, or like a phantom, would I dissolve away entirely?
One day I made my way to the campus chapel. It was a small, stone building with etched stained-glass windows and wooden pews—an atmosphere that prompted silence even without any signs instructing visitors to be quiet. An inherent hush lingered in the air like an invitation.
A bronze sculpture took up most of the space at the front of the chapel, a piece of art depicting Jesus on that dark night in the garden of Gethsemane. I stood before this rendition of the suffering Savior, his eyes wrenched by sorrow, body splayed out desperately on the ground, and I felt something loosen within me. All the pain I had been holding back spilled down my cheeks in torrents. I too fell prostrate on the ground beside Jesus, not in reverence but desperation.
I could not hide any longer. A prayer formed as my body heaved in quiet sobs, each breath a release of the pain I had been trying to carry. My tears washed over me like a welcoming, an invitation to let the end of myself become an opening into more.
Neither the depression nor my struggle with performance and striving disappeared that day. Not all miracles happen in a moment. But kneeling there, next to the fixed image of the bronze Jesus, I realized I did not have to try so hard to hide my pain. I did not have to pretend I was not hurting.
If Jesus wept, then so could I.
In the months and years that followed, I had a lot of untangling to do about who I was and what I brought to the world. Like many college kids, I changed my major about as often as I changed clothes. Knowing yourself isn’t as easy as a few trips to the counselor or a single personality assessment. Identity is complex and layered and must be given the grace of time.
But those years of wrestling helped me realize: To find a place and a people that feel like home, you also need to be at home with yourself. We need to embrace the skin we am in with compassion and be curious about the way God molded us to walk the earth.
Only when we are aware and grounded in our strengths and struggles can we then offer ourselves to God and to our neighbors.
Only when we name the gifts that are ours to carry can we carry them well.
Only when we come home to ourselves can we in turn be home to each other.
Many of these thoughts come out of my most recent Let’s Talk About Belonging conversation with Carla H. Hayden, where we talked about the link between self-awareness, personal growth, and belonging. You can click here to check out our chat over on Instagram, or see the highlights below.
grace + peace,
Sarah
PS: If you’re new here: Welcome. I’m glad you found us, and I hope you find this weekly letter an invitation to be a little more human together as we explore what it looks like to narrow the space between us.
Good Things to Pick Up
This week’s list of goodness highlights some of the words and resources mentioned in the latest Let’s Talk About Belonging conversation.
A Quote
A Writing Community
Carla and I both work for hope*writers, an online community that helps writers make progress while balancing the art of writing with the business of publishing.
A Few Verses
Some Self-Assessments to Consider
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
Note: As Carla mentioned in our conversation, these assessments are fantastic tools, but aren’t the end-all-be-all when it comes to identity formation. Allow them to inform, not define.
A Friend to Follow
If you aren’t already connected with Carla on Instagram and want regular stories and insights on how to grow as a human person loved by Jesus, then allow me to introduce you to her over at @coffee_with_carla. You can also find Carla’s quarterly retreat guide at coffeewithcarla.com/retreat.
Community Question
Every week, I pose a question related to faith and belonging, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Your Personality Tree by Florence Littauer was a great book!