On Pace + Peopling
a few thoughts on relational cadence (plus notes from my chat with Jodi Grubbs)
I will admit: The pace of pandemic life suited me. A wiped-clean calendar. Family walks in the middle of the day. No expectations to say yes or the residual guilt for saying no. No yelling at the kids to “put on your shoes RIGHT NOW!” just to get to church on time.
While I certainly wish it did not take a global crisis to slow me down, what I found in the spring of 2020 was a cadence I didn’t know my soul was craving.
I have always been prone to striving—to doing more, better, faster. How easily our worth gets wrapped up in our work, in the external validation that comes from a job well done. But what I so often lose in the white-knuckled grasping for what’s next is a lack of appreciation for what is here and now.
Little did I realize the pressure I had been putting on myself to keep up made my brain, body, and soul bone weary and my relationships limping. Living without margin often pushes people to the edges of our lives, a place where we might be social but far from connected. We are in the room, but we are far from present. By overextending myself, I had cast a wide net, but left my relationships with family and friends worn thin.
Breadth does not lend itself to depth, and a fast pace does not leave room for peopling.
In many ways, that season became a reset for my relational cadence, an opportunity to find a rate of living that lends itself to meaningful, sustainable connection not only with people but also with God. The pause gave me permission to change pace, and what I have discovered in the months and years since the shutdown is that my humanity is not built for hurry.
Pace is crucial to being present, and while that cadence might look different for each of us depending on personality, relational capacity, and season of life, deep connection does not come from striving.
We need a sustainable pace to people well.
Because without knowing ourselves and setting a pace, we will always be carried away by what feels urgent in the moment.
For me, finding and maintaining a healthy relational cadence means intentionally structuring my time, relationships, and energies in that season. I like the imagery author Anna Kettle used, describing our capacity as a box and (as the keepers of the box) we must decide what fits. We can properly order what we place inside knowing that if we say yes to many little things, there will no longer be room for the big things—the people and passions that matter. We can leave room for margin. (We can also occasionally dump out the box and start over, especially as life bends and shifts.)
To determine what fits and find our cadence, a good first step is to pause and ask ourselves some questions (the first three I borrowed from my recent conversation with Jodi Grubbs):
Who are the people God has put in front of me?
What is life-giving to me in this season?
What is life-draining to me in this season?
Is there anything I need to put down? To pick up?
How can I structure my time to prioritize these people and passions (while still being a responsible human adult)?
What is God inviting me into?
Our answers may vary based on stage of life, our family composition, the demands of work, and the realities of having to do things like the laundry and pay the bills (things that are certainly NOT on my life-giving list).
Relational cadence is an art, not a science, and unlike equations is prone to change.
But I am convinced that the more we pause and reflect and be mindful about our rate of living, the more we can find a pace that resists striving and allows us to belong a little better to ourselves, to others, and to God in the midst of our everyday lives. The more we lean toward a slower way, the more we can embrace the pace of eternity in our hearts.
He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but no one can discover the work God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11 CSB)
grace + peace,
Sarah
PS: COMING UP - This week, author and podcast host Emily P. Freeman will join me in the Let’s Talk about Belonging series to chat about community and spiritual formation. You can join us live on Instagram on Thursday, August 25 at 12 pm ET.
Good Things to Pick Up
This week’s list of goodness highlights some of the words and resources mentioned in the latest Let’s Talk About Belonging conversation with Jodi Grubbs.
A Quote
A Podcast
Our Island in the City - a podcast with host, Jodi H. Grubbs, a former Bonaire island girl and a slow living advocate. Jodi invites a guest into nourishing and gentle ongoing conversations about deep soul care, slow living practices and finding our way again.
A Friend to Follow
For more practical and soulful ways to pursue a slower pace of life, you can follow Jodi over on Instagram at @jodi.grubbs.
Community Question
Every week, I pose a question related to faith and belonging, and I’d love to keep the conversation going either here in the comments or feel free to email me back.
I know it may sound unreasonable to some people but I would love to change my 40 hour work week. I feel like I am giving the best of my energy to a job and not the people and things that matter the most.