I had seen the devastation with my own eyes. An entire men’s restroom had been reduced to piles of porcelain rubble. Multiple mirrors were cracked and broken. A sink had been ripped right off the wall. As I surveyed the damage, I remember thinking, “How could one boy do all this?”
Only a day or two later, that very same boy sat in my office, shoulders slumped and head drooped in shame. His father was next to him. A somber expression and sadness emanated from his eyes as we talked through the particulars of moving his son out of the residence hall. Although they didn’t say it, I knew neither of them envisioned expulsion would be how this young man would come to leave campus.
As a student life coordinator, I had heard the story. He had been hanging out with friends from another dorm, and a first-time acid trip went terribly wrong. The same friends who had been with him when he took the drugs locked him in a bathroom, and under a substance-induced panic, this barely 175-pound boy proceeded to tear the bathroom apart.
Unlike other students who had been seated in my office, arms folded defiantly across their chests, this young man demonstrated nothing but regret. He did not try to argue. He did not push back against administration’s decision that he needed to leave. He simply hung his head in silence. Shame covered him like a cloud.
As they prepared to leave, I turned to the boy. Something compelled me to say, “This isn’t the end of your story. One decision does not define you.”
His cheek twitched. I could tell he was fighting back tears, a war raging within himself as he wondered whether to even entertain the hope of what I said. He didn’t believe it yet. The image of the destruction he had caused was too all-encompassing. He could not see even a glimpse of his life on the other side.
The boy and his dad walked out of my office that day, and I never saw or heard from them again. But I think about that young man from time to time and pray that he has come to know that we are not the sum of our worst moments. I pray that the penitence I saw plastered on his face that day in my office did not harden but created a tender path forward. I ask God to remind him of his worth.
And I ask God to remind me of mine.
We never know what the end of ourselves will look like until we get there.
But when we do, I hope we cling to the grace that meets us on the other side. I pray we can have the courage to water every shard of shame with our tears until the rubble becomes like clay. May we let ourselves be “fearfully and wonderfully made” in the palm of God’s gentle hands, over and over and over (Ps. 139:14), so that out of the dust he can breathe life into us once again (Gen. 2:7).
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the humble,
for they will inherit the earth.
—Matthew 5:3-5 CSB
grace + peace,
Sarah
Good Thing to Pick Up
a short list to narrow the space between us
A Quote
“God does not just mend, repair, and restore; God renews and generates, transcending our expectations of even what we desire, beyond what we dare to ask or imagine.” —Makoto Fujimura, Art + Faith: A Theology of Making
A Question
I posted this question on my Instagram earlier this week as well as in our first Human Together live gathering last Friday, but I want to share it here too for our ongoing personal reflection and conversation:
How does shifting from a theology of fixing to a theology of making impact how we relate with God and with each other?
You’re welcome to add thoughts in the comments, and I’ll be adding this question to our paid community member chat later this week.
A Last Call
For anyone who does the Word of the Year thing, tomorrow (January 31) is the last day you can get 20% off a MudLove personalized WOTY product using my discount code WESTFALL20 at checkout. Here’s the link to check out their products and learn more about how this company is making a tangible impact by providing clean water and sustainable, dignified work in the world.
Mmmmm. Tears watering the rubble. My heart surges for this boy and for so many and for myself.
I know these thoughts and these emotions 😞🥺🙏🏻🕯🕊❤️🩹🤍💚