This is so good, Sarah. I share this experience as well as a former RD. The honeymoon phase wearing off for students is such a real thing, and it's a good lesson for all of us to de-romanticize things.
What a God moment for me reading this. In my own life I’m in an October (yet again) and have been thinking about this exact phenomenon lately in myself, wondering what is wrong with me. This put the right words to it, finally. And my heart’s a little calmer for reading this today.
So good! The funny thing is this weekend I'm getting together with my college roommate and our dorm 'floor' mate from freshman year. We were brought together by lottery and 28 years later (!) they're still my dearest friends! We survived the honeymoon phase:)
Thanks Sarah, this is so good. Your writer's voice is so accepting and kind and it feels like the perfect fall sweater. I was a pretty emotionally distraught freshman and never felt like I fit in, but I did survive by God's grace. I needed this reminder today to look within and stop chasing the place where I fit in. It's not real....just a feeling.
I think we can be hopeful and even desire a place and people where we feel like we can breathe. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, I think belonging is also a way of being in the world, something we carry independent of perfect situations. The difference between a hopeful vision and romantic ideal seems to be in how we place ourself in the equation. What part is ours to hold? Just a few thoughts.
Also I’m sorry your freshman year was rough. Mine was too. That’s another story.
I think one of the odd blessings of moving around so much is that it does shatter the idea that a “fresh start” will fix things. Staying is a discipline. The newness feels exhilarating but there’s this awkward chasm between small talk and belonging that has to eventually be traversed for real community to happen.
Coincidentally, we just loaded my son into an MTSU dorm last week and my daughter is starting her third year there. Since we live nearby I just saw my son last night, on his second day of school (for a family birthday celebration). He's so shiny and open and present to this new experience and when we got in the car last night I remarked to my husband, "I don't want to witness the end of his innocence." And I think what I meant was that moment you're talking about here..
The good news is that the shiny excitement does tend to wane, BUT it deepens. College students have so much vigor. And while the relational aspect can certainly get bumpy, I love watching them settle in. He will settle. 💙
I loved my time at MTSU. I oversaw Monohan Complex (Shardt & Reynolds). I also taught University 1010 for several years.
One hard lesson I’ve had to learn, after living long enough to have multiple relationships break down, is that any new friendships I form are going to have difficulties as well and possibly even disintegrate, but it will still have been worth it to form those friendships. I’m not talking about abusive situations, but just normal human frailty. It will come, and it will cause us grief, but the love will be worth the grief, and out of that strange mixture will come true joy.
Well said. And a good distinction between abuse and frailty. I always want that to be clear, especially when we talk about perseverance within relationships. We are people of welcome, not welcome mats.
Yes, that's another thing I've had to learn: when is a situation simply what you should expect dealing with partially sanctified people, and when is it manipulative and/or abusive.
It can be so complicated to navigate, especially when you want to believe people are doing the best they can. But I think I’m learning to be more selective or discerning with who I let into my “inner circles”. And (this is a hard one for me): learning I can be authentic and loving without having to reveal all to all. I admire the ways you are allowing yourself to grow and change, having gentleness with yourself and others along the way. Taking a nuanced approach is not easy but it’s worth it.
Loved this. Your wisdom speaks to even those of us who had those dorm experiences decades ago. I do wish I’d read your advice decades ago, although my freshman dorm experience went relatively smooth until the end of the year. We were mismatched roommates for sure, but I wish I’d handled moving to another room better. I wish I’d looked within. I would not have hurt my roommate as badly as I did by just abruptly leaving. I needed a wise RA like you.
There’s much I would have liked to tell my former self. But I think for the most part we did the best we knew at the time, so I hope we can look back on those previous versions of ourselves with gentleness. Even if we were kinda dumb at times. 😂
This is so good, Sarah. I share this experience as well as a former RD. The honeymoon phase wearing off for students is such a real thing, and it's a good lesson for all of us to de-romanticize things.
Ooof. November was always rough. Pepper in finals in December, and yikes. 💙
What a God moment for me reading this. In my own life I’m in an October (yet again) and have been thinking about this exact phenomenon lately in myself, wondering what is wrong with me. This put the right words to it, finally. And my heart’s a little calmer for reading this today.
Gosh, I’m glad. God is so kind.
So good! The funny thing is this weekend I'm getting together with my college roommate and our dorm 'floor' mate from freshman year. We were brought together by lottery and 28 years later (!) they're still my dearest friends! We survived the honeymoon phase:)
What a gift. 💙
Thanks Sarah, this is so good. Your writer's voice is so accepting and kind and it feels like the perfect fall sweater. I was a pretty emotionally distraught freshman and never felt like I fit in, but I did survive by God's grace. I needed this reminder today to look within and stop chasing the place where I fit in. It's not real....just a feeling.
I think we can be hopeful and even desire a place and people where we feel like we can breathe. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, I think belonging is also a way of being in the world, something we carry independent of perfect situations. The difference between a hopeful vision and romantic ideal seems to be in how we place ourself in the equation. What part is ours to hold? Just a few thoughts.
Also I’m sorry your freshman year was rough. Mine was too. That’s another story.
I think one of the odd blessings of moving around so much is that it does shatter the idea that a “fresh start” will fix things. Staying is a discipline. The newness feels exhilarating but there’s this awkward chasm between small talk and belonging that has to eventually be traversed for real community to happen.
Yes. Well said.
Coincidentally, we just loaded my son into an MTSU dorm last week and my daughter is starting her third year there. Since we live nearby I just saw my son last night, on his second day of school (for a family birthday celebration). He's so shiny and open and present to this new experience and when we got in the car last night I remarked to my husband, "I don't want to witness the end of his innocence." And I think what I meant was that moment you're talking about here..
The good news is that the shiny excitement does tend to wane, BUT it deepens. College students have so much vigor. And while the relational aspect can certainly get bumpy, I love watching them settle in. He will settle. 💙
I loved my time at MTSU. I oversaw Monohan Complex (Shardt & Reynolds). I also taught University 1010 for several years.
One hard lesson I’ve had to learn, after living long enough to have multiple relationships break down, is that any new friendships I form are going to have difficulties as well and possibly even disintegrate, but it will still have been worth it to form those friendships. I’m not talking about abusive situations, but just normal human frailty. It will come, and it will cause us grief, but the love will be worth the grief, and out of that strange mixture will come true joy.
Well said. And a good distinction between abuse and frailty. I always want that to be clear, especially when we talk about perseverance within relationships. We are people of welcome, not welcome mats.
Yes, that's another thing I've had to learn: when is a situation simply what you should expect dealing with partially sanctified people, and when is it manipulative and/or abusive.
It can be so complicated to navigate, especially when you want to believe people are doing the best they can. But I think I’m learning to be more selective or discerning with who I let into my “inner circles”. And (this is a hard one for me): learning I can be authentic and loving without having to reveal all to all. I admire the ways you are allowing yourself to grow and change, having gentleness with yourself and others along the way. Taking a nuanced approach is not easy but it’s worth it.
"What change is needed within me?" What a question!
A hard one at times. But essential, I think.
Loved this. Your wisdom speaks to even those of us who had those dorm experiences decades ago. I do wish I’d read your advice decades ago, although my freshman dorm experience went relatively smooth until the end of the year. We were mismatched roommates for sure, but I wish I’d handled moving to another room better. I wish I’d looked within. I would not have hurt my roommate as badly as I did by just abruptly leaving. I needed a wise RA like you.
There’s much I would have liked to tell my former self. But I think for the most part we did the best we knew at the time, so I hope we can look back on those previous versions of ourselves with gentleness. Even if we were kinda dumb at times. 😂